Earlier this summer, a study came out from Boston College's Center for Work and Family, and it has taken me a few weeks to process it fully. The study, entitled "The New Dad, Caring, Committed, and Conflicted," documents a surprising trend: Men now have more stress over work/family balance issues than women.
How is that possible, I wondered?
Sure, men have increased responsibilities at home. Combine that with the statistical data that men are working longer hours than ever, and you have the makings of stress. I get that.
But how can men have MORE stress than women? That piece just didn't make sense to me. The authors of the study posited a few theories: Men hadn't expected the responsibility, so they were surprised; they work longer hours than their spouses, which makes balance harder; they aren't good at multi-tasking; and, finally, it is still frowned upon for a man to reveal he has responsibility at home, so he needs to sneak around a bit. These are all solid explanations, but I held off writing on it because I felt there was something missing.
It wasn't until I read down a bit deeper into the study that I finally understood what was going on: while 65% of fathers said they thought both partners should do equal amounts as caregivers, only 30 percent say they did as much as their wives.
Now that makes sense: Men believe they should be doing more in the home and are just plain guilty watching their wives run circles around them. That guilt stresses them out.
So why don't men just do more?
I am afraid that the truth is a simple one: Most men just don't want to. The guys I know feel like they're already doing a hell of a lot, more than their fathers did, more than they perhaps thought they'd do. It's not that they aren't enjoying it. Most men want to be deeply involved at home, and often are. They just don't want any _more_ responsibility.
I like to use TV sports consumption as a barometer for male family engagement. For example, after we had kids, I willingly gave up watching college football, regular season hockey, baseball before September, and out-of-market NBA and NFL games (except of course during the playoffs, or if the game is in primetime). How much more can I give up before I cease to be a man? Where are the extra hours going to come from?
Besides, if we're honest about it, we all know there is more at stake than a few incremental hours here or there.
The truth is that we are at a point where it isn't really about hours any more. Yes, no matter how much you do, no matter how hard you try, your wife will probably do more. But even if the total hours invested were approaching parity, there remains one crucial difference. She is RESPONSIBLE. You are NOT. You pitch in. You might even pitch in a lot. But you don't own it. It's not yours. It's her's. And there is an ocean of difference between those two things. So men live with the guilt, because they know the next step isn't just taking on another chore; it's a fundamental change in both the nature of the spousal relationship and the role that work plays in our lives. Most men simply aren't ready for that shift to take place. And until they are, most women will feel angry, frustrated, and alone. I'm not saying it's right. It's just what I see.
Note to my wife: For the record, if things get really hectic, I don't have to watch the Jets games.
Oct 28, 2011 
